Naughty or nice? Many parents rely on threats to manage misbehavior

When young children’s behavior becomes challenging, many parents resort to threats – from taking away toys to threatening that Santa will skip their house, a national poll suggests.

Parents of children ages three to five were most likely to say they use threats to address misbehavior – with a fourth threatening their child with no Santa or gifts – according to the University of Michigan Health C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital National Poll on Children’s Health.

Many parents have also threatened to leave an activity or place or not get dessert while nearly half of parents polled have used bribes.

“Discipline helps young children learn what behaviors are safe and appropriate and can play a crucial role in helping them learn the difference between right and wrong,” said Mott pediatrician and Mott Poll co-director Susan Woolford, M.D.

“Empty threats, however, undermine trust and credibility and aren’t usually effective. Positive reinforcement and consistent discipline are more likely to shape long term behavior.”

Consistency is key

While half of parents rate themselves as very consistent in disciplining their child, many admit struggling with consistency, according to the nationally representative report based on 725 responses from parents with at least one child ages one to five.

Top challenges include a child being too young to understand, strategies not always working and parents trying to prevent a public tantrum.

Nearly a fourth of parents also say they get too irritated when their child misbehaves, react before remembering their strategies or are too tired to be consistent.

“It can be difficult to have a consistent approach to discipline without

consideration and planning – and even then, consistency can be difficult, especially when parents are tired, distracted, or feeling overwhelmed,” Woolford said.

“It’s important for parents to plan ahead and be on the same page with discipline strategies to provide a foundation for understanding expectations and prevent sending mixed signals about boundaries.”

Parents may need guidance finding the best discipline strategies

Parents weren’t always sure whether their discipline strategies worked, with about two fifths saying they’re very effective and three in five believing they’re somewhat effective.

Most parents polled also reported getting input about discipline strategies from several sources, with many turning to the child’s other parent, talking with family and friends or using parenting books, articles and social media.

Meanwhile, less than a fifth of parents have discussed discipline with a healthcare provider and one in eight parents say they haven’t thought about their discipline strategies.

Some parents polled also admitted using discipline strategies that aren’t recommended by experts, with two in five sometimes spanking – which evidence suggests may lead to defiance and be linked to increased aggression in preschoolers and school aged children.

“Parents should avoid the temptation to rely on tactics that might yield short-term compliance but have negative effects later on,” Woolford said.

“Discipline strategies should be appropriate for the child’s age and developmental level.”

For children ages one to two, for example, distraction and redirection are often most effective, Woolford says, noting that children this young are exploring their environment and willful misbehavior is rare.

Parents of children in this age group polled were also more likely to redirect behavior as a strategy.

But after age two, children understand their actions can cause a reaction from others and may increasingly test that out.

Parents of children ages three to five polled were more likely to use warnings, speak firmly, and give timeouts.

During these preschool ages, Woolford says, strategies should emphasize logical consequences to misbehavior.

For instance, if a child spills a drink out of anger, an appropriate punishment would be to have them clean up the mess while an unrelated punishment will be less effective.

“Consequences should be immediate, so the child understands the connection with their misbehavior,” she said.

She adds that since children respond differently to various discipline methods, parents should try to be flexible.

“As children grow, their responses to discipline will also change, so parents should adapt their strategies and stay open to new approaches,” she said.

“Balancing correction with positive reinforcement—like praise and rewards—helps children build self-esteem while learning from their mistakes.”